When One Person Changes, the Whole Family Changes

Understanding the Family as a System

Families are made up of more than a group of individuals living together or related to each other—they are complex systems where every member plays a conscious or unconscious role contributing to the emotional and behavioral dynamics of the family. These contributions can be stabilizing or promote the disorder, disconnection and chaos experienced by many of the families seeking family therapy and treatment at the Family Recovery Institute.

Family systems theory offers a framework for understanding how families function and change. A core tenet of this theory asserts that when one person in the family changes, the entire family will adjust, sometimes willingly, sometimes without awareness. Therefore, any single member possesses the ability to drive shifts in the system toward health, or as you may have experienced, toward conflict and greater discord. This is especially important since it creates the opportunity to guide your system toward healthier relating and functioning even if other members won’t cooperate with or participate in such an effort.

The Ripple Effect of Change

The clinical team at the Family Recovery Institute in San Rafael, CA, is composed of experts steeped in family systems work. We view the family as one emotional unit. Not unlike like the gears in a watch, individuals in a family are interdependent in that what affects one member affects all. These connections are evident in times of stress, conflict, or emotional transition. A change in one member’s behavior or mental health sets off a ripple effect, prompting changes in other members, often in unanticipated or surprisingly positive ways.

Beyond the Individual Family Member

In the case of a child who begins to struggle in school due to anxiety issues, the focus may initially be on the child’s behavior. Family systems theory teaches us to examine the broader context: Are the parents under stress? Is there unresolved conflict between siblings? Is the family undergoing a major life transition, such as a move or divorce? When the child begins therapy and begins to improve, this change will challenge the parents and siblings (and other caregivers if any) to examine the nature and effects of their participation in the system. When members agree to participate in such an examination, the system moves toward health, the problematic child gets better faster and older conflicts that may have contributed to the child’s distress lose their power. We invite you to work with us to join such an effort; and, again, this can work even if all members aren’t ready to participate right away or even ever at all. As already said, it only takes one member to promote shifts in the system toward health and harmony.

It Only Takes One Member

Meaningful change doesn’t always require the entire family to participate in therapy. Sometimes, one person’s growth can create a disturbance in the system causing others to adapt as well. A parent who begins practicing healthier communication and boundary-setting might find that their significant other becomes less reactive or that their children begin expressing themselves more openly. The family system seeks a new equilibrium in response to this positive change. It’s also true members will resist change and their response to the member initiating change will combined cooperative and resistant aspects as well. These resistances to change can cause significant disturbance in the family and, at times, an increase in the acuity of problematic behaviors; in other words, cause more trouble.

The Family System May Resist

Not all reactions to change are positive or frictionless. Systems, by nature, resist disruption. When a member challenges established roles or norms, others often react defensively or in opposition. . This is not uncommon in families with rigid or unspoken rules, such as "We don't talk about feelings in this house". An adolescent who asserts his independence in a codependent family might be viewed as being selfish. A wife who begins addressing her emotional needs after years of neglect might face resentment and be asked “what happened to you” in a way to push her back toward her traditional role. Reactions such as these are not necessarily a rejection of the person evolving, but rather the family system’s natural attempt to restore equilibrium. Family therapy provides a forum for addressing these reactions. Promoting more kind, thoughtful and generous ways of understanding the pressure the system is under to change and creating greater openness and acceptance of the importance of doing so becomes a central feature of the work.

Staying the Course Through Change

Navigating turbulence requires persistence and self-awareness. Family members who pursue personal growth must understand that these changes may precipitate resistance. At the same time, the resistance can pave the way for even deeper connection and system change. It’s also a key task to enhance empathy for all members of the family while normalizing the ways change is different and potentially difficult for everyone—not just the person provoking it.

Therapeutic Strategy: Identifying the “Change Agent”

Therapists, like those at the Family Recovery Institute, often focusing on the most motivated family member, sometimes called the “identified patient” but more usefully termed “the change agent.” This member historically seen as problematic can be viewed as the one among us providing the invitation to examine ourselves and our behaviors and reactions toward one another. This is particularly true in intergenerational therapeutic work, where breaking cycles of trauma or dysfunction in one generation can positively impact those that follow. See separate blog regarding epigenetics and intergenerational trauma response transmission.

The Power of Connection

As described, given the interconnectedness within family systems no change happens in isolation. This can be both daunting and hopeful. It’s daunting because it reveals the deep entrenchment of patterns and the difficulty of escaping old dynamics. But it’s also hopeful—because it means that growth is contagious. One family member’s pursuit of healing, growth, or positive change can serve as a catalyst for healing across the entire family system.

Positive Change is a Family Affair

In a world where personal development is often viewed as a selfish or solitary pursuit, family systems theory informs us that we are all part of a larger constellation of relationships. Our struggles, choices, and victories ripple outward, affecting the emotional health of those closest to us. When one person changes, the whole family does change—sometimes slowly, sometimes with resistance, but always with the potential for positive transformation.

Begin Your Family’s Healing Journey Today

The Family Recovery Institute offers treatment for individual families and a multi-family group therapy specifically for parents, in person in San Rafael, CA. Learn about our practice and family systems therapeutic approach by calling 415-322-0939 or use our contact form.